Confessions of a Woman Who Struggled with Her Faith

For a while, I struggled as a woman of faith. Deep down, I didn't want to fail God after all He had done for me. I had moments when believing in God's promises felt challenging. My life felt like an endless cycle of defeat, marked by failures and missteps. Despite all my efforts to improve myself and strive for better, it seemed as though my hard work bore no fruit. It's easy to blame the Lord for feeling abandoned, even when He promises never to leave us. In my earnest pursuit of blessings, they appeared to evade me, and no matter how diligently I worked or how strong my faith was, nothing changed. It felt like heaven was closed, and the doors to divine blessings had been shut.

In my quest for spiritual renewal, I prayed, fasted, went to church, and actively served in ministry, yet the heavy weight of defeat lingered. I held on to uplifting scriptures like: “Wait and hope for and expect the Lord” (Psalm 27:14), “With man, this is impossible, but with God, all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26), and “And we know that for those who love God, all things work together for good” (Romans 8:28). Yet, despite embodying these teachings, I struggled to see their impact in my life. I had sown the seeds of faith but felt as if nothing was reaped in return.

Recognizing that comparison often steals joy, I could not ignore how my peers seemed to flourish in their faith, seemingly without the effort I put in. This disparity led me to a painful realization: my struggles were tied to my ability to trust God fully. The challenge was that I could not physically see or interact with Him, making it hard to understand His character and the plan He had for me. During times of uncertainty and suffering, believing in a loving God's presence felt contradictory.

Even after diligently applying various strategies learned from sermons and Bible studies, I still felt adrift and detached; none of the methods seemed to produce the desired results. This growing disconnect sowed seeds of doubt about my relationship with God. Questions plagued my mind: Did my relationship with Him genuinely exist? Was I indeed called and saved by Him? Amidst these turbulent thoughts, I clung to scripture speaking to my anxiety: “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds” (Philippians 4:6-7). Yet, the journey toward that peace felt elusive, leaving me longing for a clearer understanding of my faith and relationship with God.

Through it all, I wanted to strive for my salvation. My greatest fear was being someone who spoke about God but didn’t manifest Him in my life. Growing up in church, I witnessed many confessing and preaching but not reflecting those values in their personal lives. I did not want to be like them or a hypocrite; I desired to glorify God. However, a shame echoed when the fruits of my labor weren’t evident, or my prayers seemed unanswered, even after declaring God’s faithfulness. I didn't want my faith struggles to be the reason someone else might turn away from believing in God.

During that season, I embarked on a profound journey filled with a courageous struggle between belief and uncertainty. I discovered that this spiritual walk is not solely about me. My focus on what wasn't happening spiritually closed my eyes to the magnificent work God was orchestrating in the natural. I learned that what God does within us may not always be visible to others. Above all, God is faithful and “able to do exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20). His timing is perfect, surpassing my plans, thoughts, and desires. His love is so great that He waits for the right moment to act while strengthening us through life's various journeys. Therefore, I must trust God through everything, for He will never fail.

By Sandra Jean Charite